When Discipline Becomes Attachment

A funny, like haha, like ironic is it funny, thing happened while being “devoted to my practice” this week. I forgot to start my app for my morning meditation. If you follow me on social, every couple months this year I have shared my progress as I saw those consecutive meditation days multiplying. First 40, then 100, then 250 and the whole while I’m gaining all these progress stars and feeling really good about myself. Nevermind that some (maybe more than some) of the days I sat, I really just turned over my to do list in my head the whole time or started thinking about a random conversation from my past. But I was going to do it. I was going to get to 365 – a full year of meditation, every day. It started the day I arrived home from India last year, and here I was at 354. A total piece of cake at this point. I visualized that magic number and what other incredible accolades would come once I posted this incredible feat on Instagram. And then this week, I chose to deepen my self-practice as I would, had I been in India again this year. Rather than simply using a timer or listening to some music off my meditation app I was following a guided meditation for pranayama and meditation – really powerful if I may add. The first morning I turned my meditation app on in the background to make sure it recorded my day. The second morning I tuned in again, because after 354 days of morning meditation, whether focused or not at this point starting my day without it isn’t even a question anymore. The third morning, I light my candle as I always do, open up the link on my phone and realize in shock and a bit of awe that despite the incredibly powerful meditation I had the day before, my timer wasn’t on and my app reset itself. From 354 to 0. I looked at it for a moment dumbfounded, was I seeing this right? 

It’s the age-old question isn’t it. If there is no record, if no one knows, did it really happen? What I realized though is two-fold. Using that app for my daily meditations was what finally after ALL these years forced me onto my mat every day. It helped hone the discipline I had been lacking when my meditation felt more like a choice, or something I could drop when it wasn’t convenient. It gave me the hook well beyond 21 or 40 days, or while on retreat. It was every single day for nearly (omg like so nearly) a year! The thing is – I don’t need it anymore. What started as an aid, slowly became an attachment. My attachment to getting to 365 days so I could take a screenshot and post to social and everyone could send me hearts and hand claps and I would feel so good about myself. Just writing that makes me cringe! But it’s the truth and I know it is. So here I am at 356 days of consecutive meditation and you will just have to take my word on that, but the real truth is does it matter what you think about my meditation? Not even the slightest. The real truth is how my daily meditations have impacted me. 

This morning, like every morning I unrolled my mat and lit my candle and focused on my meditation just for me, and it was magical. 

What commitment will you make for yourself? How will you begin? 

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