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Where Does Your Confidence Come From?

Sep 07, 2021

Yesterday I got an email with the subject line, “Boost Your Confidence.” I, of course, opened it immediately, since confidence is obviously my jam. Too, I thought maybe it was someone checking in about the , and I didn’t want to overlook a question or opportunity to connect about it.

Well, it wasn’t an inquiry. In fact, it was a sales email for an aesthetics company specializing in skin tightening services.

I did not expect that.

Now, to be crystal clear, I don’t have any judgments about any kind of aesthetics or skin tightening services. Am I into it? No, I’m not. But if you are? That’s fantastic.

So, as I read on a little more and digested this pitch for more confidence via aesthetics, I got to thinking. I started pulling threads. (Which also seems relevant, as I believe this place also does eyebrow threading. But anyway.) Skin aesthetics don’t make me feel more confident, but they do inspire confidence for a whole lot of people.

I mean, it’s pretty widely understood and accepted that, for a lot of folks, appearance can be connected to feeling more confident. That can go for clothing or style choices or fit, hairstyles, makeup or no makeup, and indeed – clear, smooth, plump, unwrinkled skin. Essentially, the closer we can get to pretty and young looking, the more confident we feel. This is one totally valid example of where confidence can come from.

But that’s just it – it’s only one example of where confidence comes from.

Does everybody out there have to be perfectly put together in order to feel confident? No. Raising my hand here, and even if it’s sample size one, it’s still true that I can walk out of the house with dirty hair, zero makeup, dressed in ripped jeans and an oversized tie-dye sweatshirt off to a business meeting and feel totally confident. Seriously. Not even exaggerating. I did it today.

So, another example of what confidence can come from is simply showing up as yourself and being comfortable in your skin.

Pulling more threads, confidence can come from increasing your skills, utilizing your strengths. It can come from learning, formal or informal education. Improving communication.

Confidence can come from taking chances. Making changes. Refusing to make a change. Taking a stand. Walking away.

Confidence can come from laughing. Crying. Shouting. Being quiet and observant.

Confidence can come from making money. Spending money. Getting gigs or promotions. Retiring.

Confidence can come from playing. Moving. Fighting. Resting.

Confidence can come from traveling. Putting down roots. Being part of a community.

Confidence can come from healthy relationships. Parenting. Divorce or extended singledom.

Confidence can come from letting go of expectations. Facing fears. Releasing the need for validation or permission from anyone other than yourself.

Confidence can come from kindness. Generosity. Gratitude. Collaboration.

Confidence can come from belief. Faith. Trust. Love.

So, coming back to skin tightening, I 100% think this can be a way to boost your confidence. That email wasn’t wrong! (And, like, get at me if you want a free consult and 10% off any services – I’ll forward it to you.) But pulling the thread totally out, I can’t help but think: what happens when it doesn’t work? Or doesn’t work anymore?

What if your confidence comes from one or two or three things or places, and then they’re gone? Or life changes? Or you change? Might it be nice to have a few other sources to pull from so you don’t spiral into self-doubt and insecurity?

From what I’ve seen in my clients and many folks I’ve known over the years, this is exactly what’s going on when someone is struggling with a lack of confidence. A lack of confidence isn’t usually an inherent thing. It’s derived from a loss, or a feared loss, whether acute or sustained. And an ongoing lack of confidence comes from staying attached to whatever was lost instead of discovering whatever is now or next.

To continue the N=1 example, my own confidence has been such a notable, sustained thing because it’s built on a wide and deep foundation, never just one or two or three things. When I do lose confidence from one source, I can stand in another. Even in my lowest periods, there’s always been something to bridge the gap, something in myself and my life I can trust.

So, if you’re looking for more confidence, look for more sources that inspire it for you.

If you’re struggling with a lack of confidence, learn more about what you may have lost, and everything else you may have to gain when you can let that loss go.

Confidence can come from the expected places, and from the unexpected. Don’t forget to embrace and explore both. That’s what makes the wide and deep foundation for your confident life, no matter what happens.

Just remember: discover your foundations, find your confidence.

There’s still time to do it in . We’ll walk through building those foundations, and you’ll discover so many sources of confidence, you’ll never lack it again.

Author: Kourtney Thomas

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